• The ritual feast is puréed.
  • Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
  • The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
  • Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
  • The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
  • The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
  • The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon
  • When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
  • It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
  • The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
  • You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
  • You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
  • You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
  • At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
  • You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
  • You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbours noticed.
  • You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
  • All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
  • Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
  • A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
  • No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
  • When the coven sings, “Creak and groan, creak and groan . . .”
  • When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
  • When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
  • You do anointing with Aspercreme.
  • The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
  • You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
  • You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
  • You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
  • You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
  • You need a flashlight to find the candles.


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