- The ritual feast is puréed.
- Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
- The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
- Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
- The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
- The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
- The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon
- When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
- It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
- The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
- You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
- You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual
- You drop your teeth in the ritual cup
- At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
- You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
- You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbours noticed.
- You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
- All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
- Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
- A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
- No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
- When the coven sings, “Creak and groan, creak and groan . . .”
- When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
- When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
- You do anointing with Aspercreme.
- The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
- You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.
- You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
- You use a walker during the Wild Hunt
- You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
- You need a flashlight to find the candles.
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