Hey everyone, been awhile since I’ve posted and updated all of you. So, here I am… I’ll apologize for the absence. I’m sure you all know the feeling when life is being a struggling sort and especially now, more than ever, during the holiday seasons.
I have decided that some things have happened recently that I need to let go of. I’m having a difficult time doing so, even as I sit here typing this – because, I’ve chosen to share it with all of you.
Because, what I’m going through shouldn’t be hidden or something to be ashamed of. And because, I know there are others out there whom have experienced their own losses and need to hear that they are not alone in this world. That it is something that each and every single day of our lives, someone else is having a similar experience and that those people, whomever they may be, are handling it in their own ways and sometimes, not handling it at all. It seems unfair that I know that what I have experienced, I have put on a brave face for and began moving forward while others have not been able to do the same.
On Thursday, December 13 of 2012, I had a miscarriage. Some of you may ask why I choose to put the exact date of it – it is because I never want to forget that day. I had less than a days worth of celebrations before it happened. And it seems honor-less of me to not to both mourn and celebrate that day on each following year for the child I never got the pleasure to meet and hold in my arms.
Why celebrate? Because it was a life not yet lived… And a life that is passing through its souls transitions in Summerland. It was a lesson to me, from the Goddess and the God, to appreciate life and to enjoy every moment you have. Because it can be gone just as quickly as it arrived. It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things about myself, the way that I see life and to appreciate every little moment of happiness that you have.
Because, what many people often forget, is that it is not our sorrows that we must focus on, but our triumphs, our happiness. We can never replace those moments. And we must appreciate that each and every thing that happens in our life is for a greater reason… To make you who you are today, not who you were yesterday.
Some of you, I know, are going to look at the date I have posted… and realize, much the same as I did, that it is the same day that the shootings in Newtown, Conn. happened. A terrible tragedy for the whole world to see. One that is bolstered on every news channel across the world… Forever emblazoned in our history.
Not only did it happen on the same date, but also around the same time. I’m not going to lie to anyone in saying that I felt very selfish to be mourning my own losses while so many others were mourning theirs. And I did wonder, if perhaps, the two coincided.
Was it the Great Mothers and Great Fathers choice, that another child should not be among the hate and violence that is here in life? Was I meant to be here, as a transition, for one of the many people who passed on? A lesson for me in loosing a child, so that I would better understand the pain of loosing one?
I won’t know the answer to those questions in this life… and probably not the next, either. But they are all ones that you can’t help but sit and ponder over, trying to find the answer.
I also won’t lie to any of you in saying that the first thing that crossed my mind… Was blaming myself. Was it something that I had done to cause this? Was it the medications, my diet… Did I move wrong? Did I over exert myself? Let me just tell you, right this second, that if this is something that you have been through, if it is something that you experience in the future:
Don’t you ever blame yourself.
It is not your fault, just as it is not my fault that I had a miscarriage. There is no explanation. There is no what ifs… It happens. I can sit here all day, try to explain all of the medical reasons, decipher the jargon for you, but none of that will make you feel better. I know, I tried to see if it would change anything. It didn’t.
It wasn’t until I realized, for myself, that these things happen with no explanation at all. Actually, it is at this moment, as I write these words to you… That I am finally coming to terms that no one and nothing is at fault here. It just isn’t the right time.
And if you have felt this suffering, if one day you feel this suffering, that you will look at it and realize it for yourself. It’s just not the time for you. That one day you will come to know the joy of having a child. Whether you end up getting pregnant in the future or adopting a child and raise them as your own…
Your time will come.