Fear and rejection are powerful things, and none of us like to admit it. For an entire year, I stayed in a period of stasis and paralysis, and much of the two years before that, I fought that stasis with all my heart. In the end, I did not win. Fear won. Fear won for a period of 2014 through to 2017, and it’s snaking it’s way into 2018 like a diseased parasitic slug. It will die. Now.
I’ve never been afraid of success or failure, because I always looked forward to the amazing journeys and lessons they will bring. I’ve always wanted to fall so I can learn how to stand up and be stronger. Learning from your miss-takes are quite liberating, and through them, you know the thousand ways not to do something until you find the one way that does.
Rejection is a tricky one since I never needed approval from anyone other than my mother, and after struggling to get that for years and never fully achieving it, I learned to seek approval from no one; which in itself made working with a supervisor or boss difficult since I need no one’s approval.
Acceptance was never really my strong point, as I was treated like a black sheep of the family and I never fit in at high school. So I learned at an early age to trash the standard way of looking at acceptance and seek out my tribe. And I’ve found you through Luna’s Grimoire, which is amazing and I’ll never change it.
If you couldn’t tell already, I’ve always been a hard-road, throw caution to the wind, fuck the haters and your approval kind of girl. But now? Today? I don’t even know who I am. I do not recognise this emotional, broken, fearful, rejected girl; and I do not identify with her.
I’ve spoken about my past before, but in 2016, I lost everything that ever really mattered and everything I spent any kind of time working on, very nearly including this blog too. Luna’s Grimoire has been my lifeline to my purpose on earth, so without it, I’d be pretty lost.
When I lost the company, I didn’t really consider the emotional domino effect it would have. I felt so torn apart because nothing I did helped, and there was nothing I could have done. Yet, I blamed myself for a long time; because that’s what I do, assign self blame and implode. Yes, yes, very self destructive and not healthy, I’m aware.
But that wasn’t what killed me. In a 48 hour period last summer, I was fired for the first time in my life, after finally getting a job and back on my feet AND dumped, for the first time in my life. That was a shitty weekend. I couldn’t process the selfishness of the person who claimed to love me but then dumped me when I lost my financial value to them. I couldn’t process the viciousness of the director who very coolly dismissed everything I did after approving designs and development three days before, and then proceeded to fire me in the most unprofessional of ways, without warning. Yes, I’m still fuming from that because I still cannot believe that people can be so incredibly cold, but I’m also quite certain that karma has a wonderful part to play in their company’s current lack of success.
These experiences have done nothing but silence me. The build up and swiftness each one came with, before getting over the last is what eventually broke me. But I’ve been so fearful of everything, that it’s paralysed me to even squeak, far less make executive decisions regarding my job or love life. I’m afraid to love, to trust, to believe, and I’m terrified of being rejected and not accepted. And because I’m so vulnerable, I suddenly feel two million times worse than I should if someone even blows a soft breath of rejection at me. I’m used to being hard as nails, not a squishy and pathetic mess.
I’m okay, and I’ll always be okay because I’m a survivor by default. Somehow, I’ll always find a way out of this mess I get myself into, and I’ll clear the cursed woods into miles of lavender fields. Right now, I’m in the middle of the goddamn cursed forest and have no clue which way is the right way out, and I’m certain I’ve seen this tree before. But I’m walking, persisting, and somewhere, I will see a glimmer of purple in the distance.
As an entrepreneurial spirit bird who has had her wings clipped in the most tragic and violent of ways, I’m so scared of falling that I’m afraid to try my new wing feathers. I’d love to fly again, which is why I’ve put the ads back on the site and hopefully, some of you will continue to support the work I do here by donating or subscribing to the monthly subscription which supports the server fees. This will at least help me flap and see if I get any lift!
Consistency has always been my weak spot, so I’m working on that. I’m pledging to write once a week, even if it’s a simple incantation and publish it. And paint one thing a month. I have an entire plan for this website, and haven’t executed much for this month, so here’s to finally getting a kick up my ass. I’m going to need your help, so please share, please donate if you can, and please please give me feedback so I know that you give a shit.
Cheers to the next five years of awesome content on Luna’s Grimoire and a community that’s stronger than ever!