I am going through a crisis at school. I feel depressed. I want boys and then I just want them to leave. I mess with their emotions and lead them on. I flirt and giggle. But in reality I build walls so that nobody can get close to me. I believe that to love is to break the person your loving. But I also believe that to be loved is to be broken. I hold back in relationships. My heart has been broken once. After that I just shut every one out because they guy I fell for was special. He was extraordinary. His name was Jackie. Short for Jackson. He was tall with brown hair and green eyes. Jackie was an artist. He made you feel like you were the star of the show. He made you feel like you were the only girl in the world. When he went to bat for you, hell broke loose. Jackie said he would do anything for me. We thought we were in love. We broke up like 4 months ago. When we broke up he told me that I was just a stand in for his ex girlfriend. He said that he didnt actually love me. He said that he thought about his ex every day that he was with me. I am still in love with him. I haven’t let myself love again since he broke my heart. I might have fooled around with guys but all it was was meaningless sex. It meant nothing. For me anyway. I realized that I am like my mom. She could go and play but have it mean nothing for her. For the guy it meant everything. She was special. Every one saw her and thought she was a goddess. She had boys chasing after her.She was a heart breaker. I am just like my mom. So I guess I get what I deserve for being a heart breaker. I think I found another special guy tho. His name is Maxx Walker. He is sweet and kind. But he is emotionally distanced. I got him to open up to me. And then because I am a heart breaker I broke his heart by walking away. I didn’t think anything about it until I realized that he actually meant more than some random hook up. I didnt know how to fix us. But I want to. Oh I want to so bad. He is my next Jackie. That scares me alot. But it also makes me happy.I finaly opened up to someone. And I fucked it up. Please leave a comment with advice about what to do and you definition of love. Thank you. Blessed be.
Hey Rosemary, I think you’re hurting in ways that most people won’t understand. You’re also focused on your relationships as opposed to what is really important here: building YOURSELF. In terms of relationships, you have to be 100% and bring your best to a relationship. So focus on yourself. FIx yourself, heal your broken heart, become a successful person, and then things will start working in your favour. It’s not a matter of forgetting boys and beating books; it’s about becoming your best self for your benefit in the long run.